Is death hard for you to talk about? It is for me. My whole world took a turn on October 30th, 2008, when I learned I had cancer. My prognosis worsened after each scan or blood test. I was scared to death. The only way I made it through each day was because of God, my Anchor.
Having a terminal illness makes us ponder our spiritual beliefs. I was 36 years old at the time, which is pretty young to have breast cancer. After being told my biopsy tested positive for malignancy, it was several weeks before I learned more details about my tumor. During this time, I felt like I was going to die from anxiety and fear. I felt too young and immature to handle this!
Death was at the forefront of my mind. We all know we’ll die someday, but not until we’ve lived the average life span of seventy or 80 years. Unfortunately, we have no guarantee we will live a long life. Oh, and by the way, it isn’t fair, either! Have you thought; Why did I get cancer? Why did I live? When you start comparing your journey to others, STOP. I mean it. STOP. Comparing can destroy our peace of mind in seconds. YOUR journey is YOUR journey and MY journey is MY journey.
I am a Christian – part of Jesus’ crowd. Jesus was not into religion, so neither am I. He led a radical life and I love that! I am not an evangelical Christian. I just follow Jesus Christ. Through Him, I am learning how to love, forgive, persevere, trust, laugh, hope, and much more.
As the news was barely setting in, it was becoming a reality quickly as I faced this mountain of treatment ahead of me and four young kids to care for. At the time, my kids were 11, 9, 6, and 5. I remember sitting in my living room staring into space as I tried to soak in all that was before me. The only question I wanted an answer to was ‘am I going to die from this’? I never got an answer. I had no idea. My prognosis was not looking good. I had a 25% chance of surviving. The deck was stacked against me. My cancer was aggressive, moving fast and spreading. I was scared, depressed, sick, anxious, and overwhelmed. I was questioning my faith. I felt like I was drowning, with one arm out of the water, reaching for God, but He didn’t pull me out of the water.
Regardless of our faith or religion, we all feel fear. If I mention the word ‘cancer’ to anyone, the facial expression changes – to fear. It is a normal human reaction. The meaning of the word cancer SHOULD mean fear! Goodness! Check out the definition of the word cancer: Any of various malignant neoplasms characterized by the proliferation of anaplastic cells that tend to invade surrounding tissue and metastasize to new body sites. I mean, really? It feels like I’m Tom Cruise in War of the Worlds and the aliens are the neoplasms. Scary stuff.
Our battle with fear is in our soul and between our ears (our thought process). Symptoms of chronic fear can be depression, anxiety, panic, hopelessness, and suicidal thoughts (no medical advice here). I had thoughts of wanting to die because some days were so hard and I was so weary. Fear can also present in other ways (again, no medical advice): shortness of breath, dizziness, nausea, insomnia, or digestive issues. Everyone is different, but my colon liked to clear itself out, with about a 60-second warning, almost every time I sat in a doctor’s office during those first weeks when learning about my tumor.
Cancer is ruthless, terrifying, depressing, and lasts a long time. All you need is to be told you have cancer and then give it 24 hours of unbridled worry and fear, and your mental and physical energy is spent. You don’t know which way is up or down. I needed anxiety medication to ease the physical symptoms of fear. Do not be afraid to discuss this with your doctor! More about medications in other posts.
Fear does not mean the absence of faith. I wish I had realized this back then. Unfortunately I was really hard on myself. I’m a Christian. I shouldn’t be afraid. Hit the buzzer. Wrong. I’m a Christian. I should have more faith. Buzzer. Wrong. I’m a Christian. I need to be strong. Buzzer. Nope.
Here is the truth: I have breast cancer and I am terrified out of my skull and I feel like I’m going to crap my pants and vomit, and die just from anxiety. I happen to be a Christian (fill in the blank if you are something else) who is just as human as everyone else and feeling fear is a completely normal human response and God is not disappointed with me. That is the truth. You may be able to relate or not, no biggie.
So we live out our cancer journey with uncertainty looming over us. Overcoming these emotions can feel impossible at times. So, how DO we cancer patients, whether in treatment or as a survivor, live out our daily lives with this uncertainty and fear?
I expressed my fear, worry and doubt through journaling. I learned to face fear instead of trying to will it away (which doesn’t work). It is okay to face the fear. It doesn’t mean you’re jinxing yourself. During my journey, I learned I didn’t have to take all that human emotion onto my shoulders. We can and we do, but we don’t have to. I felt crushed under the weight of it, so along with facing the fear, I practiced putting my trust in Jesus by reading books, praying, and going to counseling.
Early in my journey I asked myself, what do I want? We can’t have it all during cancer treatment. Something has to give, especially if you have children at home. I made a list. The first thing I wanted was to be healed. I prayed to be healed every day. The second thing I wanted was to still be able to care for my children. Every day I prayed to be able to care for my children. That’s it. Those two things were all I wanted and all I asked and prayed for. My husband and I were are best friends, and we managed my treatment year like champs. We did our best and it was most definitely not perfect but it was good enough!
The second thing I asked myself, who am I living for? Or, more correctly, what do I do with this whole terminal illness thing? I accepted the fact that I could die from this. I accepted it while being gripped with fear and disappointment. I needed to accept this possibility because the possibility was real. I also settled my beliefs about life after death. Is there a Heaven? I believe there is. I believe the Bible is filled with hope. The verse I clung to during my treatment is John 14:1-3: 1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”
Be real with yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Cancer is traumatic and your soul is wounded. You may not believe what I believe and that is okay, you have no judgement from me. I’m writing about this because my spiritual journey and my experience with fear is a huge part of my journey. This post was hard to write. It took me longer than I intended, and I think it may evolve over time, but for now, I’m signing off. 🙂
I am eager to hear of your experience with cancer. Please feel free to comment or send me an email.